Saturday, March 22, 2008

Air Travel - A Futuristic View

What with all the restrictions being enforced on passenger baggage check at airports, a future scenario will be something like this: Send all your baggage through Air Parcel service to your destination paying a hefty freight. You walk down to the airport from your house as vehicles may be checked for exposives, gadgets, etc. so give a lead time of five hours to reach the airport depending on where u reside. Next, walk up to the counter and get your b oarding pass after showing your ticket and passsport. Answer all question asked by the counter girl such as your father's name, mother's name, religion, marital status, (carry a horoscope with u if u r not married so they can match it with a spinster taking the same flight - this is a free perk) you may be asked about the dress you are wearing. Whether it is impregnated with actetoneperoxide or some such liquid explosisvse, after soaking and drying.and whether it exploded whle u were ironing it. After going thru this drill, move to the emigration counter. Tell the duty officer why you are going to the given destination, how long u would stay and when, if at all, u willl return back. Fill half a dozen forms to affirm this in the presence of a known witness. If he asks for your appointment letter tell him that it has been shipped thru courier as u have to go empty handed now on the flight; he cant beat that. Get the passport stamped and move to the personal security.Remove your watch, ring, wallet, keys, comb, ( only wooden combs allowed) If u r a lady remove your earrings and nose stud though it may pain a little. Local anaesthetics will be provided by airport security ( non inflammable ) Submit yourself to a thorough personal check including all openings and orifices to check for concealed explosives ( saliva may be mistaken for liquid explosive and sent to the airport lab for spot check) in which case u may miss the flight k nowing the time taken by the lab to test hundreds of samples of saliva piling up on their tablesGet your self xrayed to see if u r not carrying any weapons of mass destruction in your viscera barrng of course dysentery bacillus and amoeba. Also submit to a CT scan to see if you have hidden anything in your bone marrow other than stem cells,which of course George Bush would object to if u r travelling to the US. Allow security to check the glass of your specs to ensure that it is not really molten RDX crystals which will explode when u wink at the pretty girl sitting by your side on the flight.After personal frisking u proceed to the boarding area and wait for the aircraft which u r told is five hours late. Not having been allowed to carry your homemade tiffin u will have to spend a fortune in buying snacks and coffee at the airport restaurant, which offers only restricted and properly tested and scanned menu. The burger has been irradiated during x-ray exam and the coffee has been passed thru ion-exchange to remove the chemical sweetener which is also a suspect.At last the flight arrives and u stand in a queue to get into the aircraft. U occupy the sanitised seat and tighten the sanitised seat belt and drink a glass of chemical free water served by the steward and get ready for take off. This aircraft was used to carrly a VIP on its previous trip. So what do u find when it takes off? Bottles of Johnny Walker special tumble down from the luggage rack and drench the passengers below. An inflight enquiry is ordered and it is revealed that the bottles were given as a gift to the VIP but were pinched by a dipsomaniac crew member who hid it in the racks. The culprit is offloaded and handed over to the airport security. The flight is further delayed by an hour and at last u breathe a sigh of relief as u soar in the skies leaving all the turmoil and tumult below. U dont like the lunch served inflight, but hunger gnaws at your vitals and u have to compromise. There is no beer served with lunch as it vaguely resembles a certain liquid explosive or the raw material for it which was used by Alfred Nobel. yes, glycerine, to make nitroglycerine. Nitration can be done" in situ "on the flight as the coffee served resembles strong nitric acid. So u suffer in silence and land ultimately at your destination woebegone and furlorn. Only to go thru another drill at the destination, immigration,customs, security et al. That is when u decide to go in for a crash course in hatayoga to learn the secret of walking on water so that next time u go to europe or america,u can walk on the waters across the seven seas and perhaps reach faster.